Too Scared to Go Home
by Cress
Summary: Joey:Chandler slash, for bella1878. Chandler is afraid of his crazy roommate Eddie, and he desperately wants Joey back.
1. No More Dr Drake Ramoray

[In TOW Dr. Ramoray Dies, Joey gets written out of *Days of Our Lives*, and the whole gang, including Chandler, go to his uptown apartment to comfort him. Unlike in the episode, Chandler decides here not to go back home, because he's afraid of another freaky encounter with Eddie.]  
  
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Wearing a robe over his t-shirt and shorts, Joey slumped back onto his red leather couch, while all his friends tried to console him about his soap character getting killed off.  
  
Chandler murmured, "It's gonna be okay. You know that?"  
  
"No, I don't," Joey answered gloomily. "It's like, you know, you work your whole life for something and you think that when you get it, it's never gonna be as good as you thought it would be. But this so was! You know, it changed everything. Like the other day, I got this credit card application, and I was pre-approved. Huh? I've never been pre-approved for anything in my life."  
  
"I'm sorry, man." Chandler reached past the white dog statue to pat Joey's shoulder sympathetically.  
  
Rachel said, "Joey honey, I don't know if this'll mean anything to you, but you'll always be pre-approved with us."  
  
Joey shook his head. "Nah, that means nothing to me."  
  
The whole gang stuck around for a while, hugging and comforting Joey, but then Monica remembered that she had a date with Richard tonight, so she had to go home and get changed. Ross and Rachel, who had already plans to see a movie, suggested that they all take Joey out to a movie to cheer him up.  
  
"We'll buy you plenty of popcorn and candy," they offered.  
  
Joey didn't want to go out, though, so Ross and Rachel rubbed his arm one more time before leaving together.  
  
Chandler moved closer to Joey on the couch. "Well, if you wanna just stay here in your robe, Joe, why don't we rent *Die Hard* and order some pizzas, huh?"  
  
"Nah." Joey sighed and turned away, resting his head against the arm of the couch.  
  
"Come on, buddy! We'll get some beer too."  
  
"No, no!" Phoebe massaged Joey's shoulders and said, "We need to make some tea and do some meditation exercises, to help him forget his troubles."  
  
Chandler rolled his eyes and said, "That's what *Die Hard* is for. Bruce Willis taking out terrorists, with loud explosions and kick-ass action. What more could you want?"  
  
"Violence is not the answer!" Phoebe responded, and they started arguing furiously.  
  
Joey shouted over their bickering, "Stop it, stop it! Hey!"  
  
They both apologized sheepishly and hugged him, asking him what he wanted to do.  
  
"Nothing. I just wanna be alone, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Phoebe sighed and got up to leave. "But I'll find my tape of plinky-plunky music at home, so I can bring it to you tomorrow."  
  
Disappointed, Chandler reluctantly got up and started to follow Phoebe out the door, but then he stopped and remembered what he had to go home to. He turned back around. "Uh, Joey, can I stay here?"  
  
"I don't wanna talk anymore. Just go home now."  
  
"No, please, Joe. I can't go home. Please!"  
  
Joey finally turned to face him, hearing the anxiety in his voice. "Why? What's the matter?"  
  
"It's my roommate, Eddie. He's--he's starting to act really crazy and, um, scary."  
  
Joey sat up and looked concerned. "He is?"  
  
Chandler nodded and sat down on the couch next to him. He told Joey about all of Eddie's freaky behavior lately. "So he thinks that I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish. He kept staring at me with his wild, angry eyes until I went into my bedroom to hide. And when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes. *All* my shoes, Joe, in my bedroom! I thought I locked the door, but he got in somehow while I was asleep." He shuddered in horror.  
  
"Whoa!" Joey hugged him close and patted his back. "No wonder you don't wanna go home."  
  
"Yeah." Chandler was thankful that Joey had really listened to him, for their other friends had not even finished hearing about his problem today, because they wanted to watch Joey's show on TV. "I don't know what to do."  
  
"You should kick him out, Chandler. Get rid of him."  
  
"Believe me, I want to, Joe! I'm just worried that he's going to get all freaky mad again and accuse me of, I don't know, killing his father and sleeping with his mother."  
  
"Is his mother hot?" Joey asked, starting to picture somebody sexy like Nora Tyler Bing.  
  
Chandler stared at him, started to explain his hypothetical phrase, but then thought better of it. He shrugged and said quickly, "Never mind! Look, can you come with me, Joe? Help me kick that maniac out, and then you can, um, you can even move back in with me after he's gone."  
  
Joey was surprised. "Really? You want me back, Chandler?"  
  
"Yeah." He got a little insecure. "Don't you wanna come back, Joe?"  
  
"Sure. I-I just wondered whether you were gonna get another roommate or something." It still hurt him somewhat that Chandler had invited Eddie, a virtual stranger, to live with him after Joey had been gone only a week.  
  
"No, I don't want some other roommate. We--we have fun together. Please come back."  
  
Joey nodded and hugged him happily. "Okay. Oh, wait! Will there be enough room for all my new stuff?" He gestured around at all the furniture, sculptures, and other items with which he had decorated his uptown Manhattan apartment.  
  
For the first time, Chandler actually noticed all the tacky artwork filling the living room and he made a face. "Well, uh, bring some of it, like the big TV and the recliners, and then just, just return the rest of it to the store." He shrugged. "Yeah, you're gonna need the money back anyway, now that you lost your job."  
  
"Oh, right." Joey got depressed again. In talking about Chandler's troubles, he had been able to forget his own for a while.  
  
"I'm sorry," Chandler said, then patted Joey's knee reassuringly. "It's gonna be all right, Joe. Really. I bet your agent gets you another part soon. You were Dr. Drake Ramoray, after all. That's gotta mean something."  
  
Joey smiled, feeling hopeful at last. "Yeah, I guess so. I mean, I'm not starting from square one again. I was on TV!"  
  
"Yeah!" Chandler agreed encouragingly. "And listen, when you get your next big part, just make sure I'm there to stop you from saying anything stupid in an interview."  
  
Joey hit him lightly, then they laughed and hugged each other again.  
  
After a while, Joey got serious and said, "I missed you, Chandler. A lot." He sadly recalled the many lonely days and nights he had spent in this apartment.  
  
"I missed you too," he softly admitted in return. Chandler wished that he had asked Joey to move back in sooner, instead of unwisely trying to replace him with Eddie, his rebound roommate. Chandler shrugged and said apologetically, "You know, I-I actually like your eggs the best, Joe."  
  
Joey met his eyes and grinned, remembering their big fight about whose eggs Chandler liked better. "You do, huh? Then maybe I can make you some eggs now?"  
  
"You want to?"  
  
"Yeah." He got up from the couch and headed to the kitchen, pulling Chandler along with him.  
  
Joey cooked them some eggs while Chandler got out some beers for them. While they ate and drank at the dining room table, they talked some more about getting rid of Eddie and having Joey move back in.  
  
They couldn't agree, however, about what furniture Joey could bring. "But I wanna bring more stuff than just the TV and our chairs. I really like that bird sculpture, and that nude woman statue, and this water-table thing. And your sofa-bed and armchair are so old, Chandler! I like my matching red leather set."  
  
Chandler sighed and struggled to keep his temper, but in some ways this reminded him of his argument with Joey when they had tried to buy a kitchen table last year. They would up getting the foosball table instead, but only after Joey got jealous about Chandler's old roommate Kip. Joey's taste in furniture and art was really kind of tacky, and he wasn't sure how to compromise this time. "But I think that red chair over there is really weird looking, and that coffee table shaped like a panther is kinda freaky."  
  
Joey was annoyed. "Why can't I have stuff I like? What if you moved in here with me and you had to get rid of some stuff? I bet you wouldn't like it."  
  
Chandler conceded, "Well, I guess you could keep some of this stuff with you in your bedroom, but I don't think most of it will fit."  
  
"It fits here. There's plenty of room at Casa de Joey. Hey, seriously, why don't you move in here with me?"  
  
"What? Are you kidding? The rent here is as sky high as the ceilings."  
  
"But it's a nice place, Chandler, with a great view, huh, and a bathroom that's still pretty clean. I'll get a new job soon, you know, and you'll split the rent with me. I think we can afford it, and I'll even return all the furniture that I put in the guest bedroom so you can have your stuff in there."  
  
Chandler thought about it hesitantly. "I don't know. Let me sleep on it."  
  
"Okay. Oh, speaking of sleeping, remind me to get some stuff so you can sleep on the couch tonight."  
  
"On the couch? What about the guest bedroom?"  
  
"Well, it doesn't have a bed right now," Joey explained. "See, I couldn't decide what to do with it since I'm living alone, so I started decorating it like the living room, then I thought I would get a big storage unit and put all my porn videos in there. You know, start a big collection."  
  
Chandler rolled his eyes, but said with a shrug, "Okay, the couch it is. Anything's better than going back and spending the night with that demented lock-picker Eddie."  
  
So after dinner, they sat and watched TV for a while, agreeing to put aside their fight about the furniture for the moment. The important thing now was that they would be roommates again, and they would get rid of Eddie as soon as possible.  
  
When it got late, Joey got a pillow and some blankets for Chandler so that he could spend the night on the couch. "Sorry that it's not a fold-out couch," he said.  
  
"That's okay. Good night, Joe."  
  
"Good night." 


	2. A Friendly Sleepover

After Joey turned out the lights and left for his bedroom, Chandler undressed to his boxers and t-shirt, then he lay down for the night. Staring up at the high ceiling, he became somewhat pensive and worried. He did hope that Joey would get a great new job soon, but he wasn't really sure how long Joey's agent Estelle would take to get him another part. After all, Joey had got the Dr. Drake Ramoray part because he slept with a casting director, not because of his acting talent. So maybe Joey would have to go back to crappy jobs after this, and he wouldn't be able to keep the apartment, much less the furniture. Well, if Joey did lose everything, Chandler was certainly willing to welcome Joey back to their old apartment and to comfort and support him until he did get a new job. Everything would go back to the way it used to be. The way it ought to be.  
  
With these happy thoughts in mind, Chandler smiled and closed his eyes, but unfortunately he couldn't fall asleep. The constant dripping noise from the water-table sculpture made him want to pee. After trying to ignore it for a while, Chandler finally got up and headed for the bathroom, but in the darkness he tripped over one of Joey's tacky sculptures. He winced and stumbled around it, only to run right into another sculpture.  
  
"Ahh! Damn it! Stupid glass thing that I couldn't see till I jammed my shin into it!"  
  
Then there was another sculpture, which he hastily swerved to miss, only to run into a large plastic plant, knocking it to the ground with a loud crash. One thing was for certain now: he was definitely not moving to Casa de Joey unless some of this excess junk was cleared out of here.  
  
While Chandler was cursing and trying to make his way out of the mine field that was the living room, Joey emerged from his bedroom and turned on the light in the hallway.  
  
"Chandler?" Joey yawned and rubbed his eyes. "What's going on?"  
  
Chandler was literally hopping mad now. "Are you kidding me with this, Joe?! I'm trying to get to the bathroom and I keep running into all of your damn art!" He kept hopping and shifting his weight between his feet, because they both hurt.  
  
"Whoa, hey, don't insult the art!" Joey came closer, but bumped into the big white dog statue. "Ow!"  
  
"See?" Chandler groaned and leaned against the dining table, then he pointed at the water sculpture. "It's that thing's fault. It made me want to pee."  
  
"Sorry. I forgot it does that." Joey went over towards Chandler, putting an arm around his shoulders and assisting him to the hallway. "Come on, I'll help you."  
  
"Ow! You can help me by throwing out all this stuff!" He had to lean against Joey for support while he limped along painfully.  
  
"Calm down, will ya?" Joey said. "I'm sorry about this. Look, while you're in the bathroom, I'll move some stuff aside, so you can get back okay."  
  
Chandler just winced and darted wary glances all around while Joey maneuvered them out of the living room, down the hall, and into the bathroom.  
  
"Here you go," Joey said, as he opened the door and turned on the light for Chandler. Then he let go of Chandler and returned to the living room.  
  
Shutting the door, Chandler noticed how different the bathroom looked now that Joey had redecorated in here too. Seeing the telephone beside the toilet, Chandler was amazed once more by Joey's weird choices, but he shrugged and decided to just be grateful that Joey hadn't filled the bathroom with any sculptures.  
  
After he had peed and washed up, Chandler finally sat down on the edge of the bathtub with a sigh and took the weight off his poor aching feet. Now he could clearly see how many big bruises covered his legs. Maybe he shouldn't have stayed the night with Joey after all. Maybe he should have just asked to stay on Monica and Rachel's couch instead. But what if Eddie picked the lock of their apartment door and sneaked in there too?  
  
Oh no! What if Eddie was crazy and unstable enough to start harassing Monica and Rachel? Chandler felt kind of worried for them now and wondered if he should call them. But then he remembered that they were on dates with Richard and Ross tonight, so they might not even be spending the night there; even if they were, they wouldn't be alone.  
  
Joey came back and knocked on the bathroom door. "Chandler?"  
  
"What?"  
  
He peeked his head inside and sheepishly said, "Um, there's too much stuff to move, and I'm tired. Some of it's really heavy! How about I just take you back now and you go to sleep okay?"  
  
"No, wait, Joe! At least move that water-table thing so I won't have to keep getting up to pee in the middle of the night."  
  
"Oh, yeah. That's kind of heavy too. Maybe you can help me with it, and we can put it in the guest bedroom?"  
  
Chandler sighed. "Fine. But I think you should seriously get rid of it for good, Joe."  
  
"Okay, okay." Joey opened the door all the way and came inside. "So you done?"  
  
"Yeah, just a second." He got up from the edge of the bathtub, wincing and groaning all the while. He sounded like an old man.  
  
Joey watched him with a frown and said, "Nah, wait, you wouldn't be able to help me move it. You might tip over and drop it. Water and glass everywhere."  
  
"Well then what the heck should we do?" Chandler asked impatiently, thinking that he got up for nothing.  
  
Joey shrugged and put his arm around Chandler again. "Well, uh, why don't you sleep in my room with me? I got a big bed."  
  
Chandler blinked. "What? Sleep in your bed?"  
  
"Come on, it'll be like that time we shared the sofa bed."  
  
"I remember," Chandler answered with a pout. "You kept kicking me and wanting to take off your underwear."  
  
"I'll stay on my side this time, I promise. It's a big bed with plenty of room. Or if you want me to, I'll bring some couch cushions in and you can sleep on them on the floor."  
  
"Why don't you sleep on the floor?" Chandler suggested petulantly. "I'm the one who's all bruised up."  
  
"Okay, okay! Whatever you want." Joey helped Chandler out of the bathroom and turned out the light. "Come on, my room's this way." They headed toward the master bedroom, then Joey opened the door for them.  
  
"Whoa!" Chandler said as he glimpsed inside the room. "You weren't kidding when you said you had a big bed, Joe. What's that, a king size?"  
  
Joey chuckled. "Yeah, isn't it great? Plenty of room for threesomes and stuff."  
  
Chandler gave him a sharp glance, but Joey didn't see anything unusual in what he'd just said. He simply helped Chandler to the big bed and set him down on it. "There you go. I'll be right back." He exited for the living room again.  
  
Left alone, Chandler stared around the bedroom, horrified to see that Joey's tacky design sense had prevailed in here as well. Just about the only classy, non-sleazy decorations in the room were Joey's old movie posters from his favorite Al Pacino and Hitchcock films, and his big TV. Moreover, Joey's bed was covered in a leopard print duvet, red velvet pillows, and satin sheets. The room practically oozed sex.  
  
"It's like a bedroom at the playboy mansion!" Chandler said, unable to imagine how anyone could get a restful night's sleep here. Then he realized that the room also vaguely reminded him of the flamboyant way that Janice used to dress. How weird.  
  
Joey returned with the bedding and some couch cushions, and he noticed the way Chandler was staring at all the decorations. "Hey, you like my room, Chandler? Maybe we should decorate yours like this. Then you'll get a lot more action."  
  
"No thanks," Chandler answered. "I like my old stuff just fine."  
  
"Suit yourself." Joey arranged the couch cushions on the floor as a mattress and put the blankets and pillows on top of them. Then he lay down and pulled the blanket over him. "Good night, Chandler."  
  
"Uh, yeah, good night."  
  
"Chandler?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Aren't you gonna turn out the light? It's that lamp right there."  
  
"Oh, yeah." Chandler turned off the lamp, then reluctantly lay down on the bed. The room didn't look quite so sexed up in the darkness, but he still didn't think he could sleep here, just thinking about how much sex Joey planned to have, or had already had in this bed. Maybe he ought to switch places with Joey, but he didn't think he could get comfortable on the floor either. His bruises were still bothering him.  
  
So Chandler lay on his side in the satin sheets and tried to ease his mind by imagining that Janice was sleeping beside him in this king-size bed. Chandler's feelings about Janice were complicated. He was certainly annoyed by her nasal voice, her laughter, and her overdramatic personality, but he still kept coming back to her, like an addiction. It was like smoking, actually; he knew it was bad for him and he would regret it, but sometimes he felt weak enough to just light up anyway. In fact, when he started smoking again last year, his first words after that first puff of cigarette smoke were "Oh--my--God" in a manner very close to Janice's habitual exclamation. Janice had good qualities too, as he had pointed out to his friends. "She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me." He still remembered that during their first breakup, Janice had been thoughtful enough to buy him Bullwinkle socks so that he could mix and match, "moose and squirrel." Besides, the sex had been pretty good between them. Chandler hadn't had sex in so long, it felt like his virginity was growing back. If only Janice hadn't gotten married and pregnant! Chandler thought that if she were to come back now and be magically single again, he could really fall in love with her this time, irritating laugh and all.  
  
With a lonely sigh, Chandler rolled onto his back, and he now discovered that there was a mirror on the ceiling. Oh my God. That was certainly something that Janice hadn't had in her bedroom.  
  
Chandler had just about decided to get out of bed and sleep in the bathtub if he had to, but then he noticed that in the mirror he could see a reflection of Joey on the floor. In the deep shadow cast by the bed, Joey was shifting around a lot and kicking his legs restlessly. Finally he pushed off his blankets and started to take off his underwear so he could sleep naked.  
  
Chandler was shocked and embarrassed. He knew that he should turn away or close his eyes, but he couldn't stop staring at Joey. Not only was Joey discarding his shorts, but his t-shirt too, revealing all the muscles of his attractive body. He looked so... Suddenly, Chandler realized that he could see Joey's dark eyes looking straight at him in the mirror. Joey could see Chandler staring at him.  
  
Panicking, Chandler gasped and covered himself with the duvet. He wanted to crawl away into a hole somewhere and die.  
  
Joey sat up and stared at his best friend in disbelief and confusion. Then, pulling his shorts back on, he climbed onto the bed and tried to talk to Chandler. "Hey--"  
  
Chandler rolled away from him and stammered, "I-I wasn't looking at you. I was just--"  
  
"Chandler, I'm sorry. I thought you were asleep, and I didn't know you could see me in the mirror."  
  
"You shouldn't even have a mirror there!" he complained.  
  
Joey shrugged and crawled closer to Chandler. "I thought it would be cool. I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm sorry." He tried to hug Chandler.  
  
"What are you doing?" Chandler anxiously shrank away from his touch.  
  
Joey sat back and pouted. "Come on, you were looking at me--"  
  
"I wasn't! I was NOT--"  
  
"I like you too."  
  
Chandler blinked. "W-what?"  
  
Joey nodded and leaned close again. "Yeah," he said softly and shyly, "I-I like you. And if you like me too, maybe... you know." He caressed Chandler's cheek and met his eyes intently.  
  
Chandler remained stunned, and he asked, "You mean, like...?"  
  
Joey kissed him softly yet meaningfully on the lips. "That's what I mean."  
  
Chandler gulped and shook his head. "But you're not *gay*, Joey--"  
  
Joey shrugged. "I don't know. I've just been thinking about you a lot, Chandler. You know, when I moved here, I thought I would have lots of time with my thoughts, but I didn't have that many thoughts. All I kept thinking about was how I miss you. How having all this stuff didn't make me happy if I didn't have somebody to enjoy it with. And when you let that freak Eddie move in with you, all I could think about was how you were gonna let him cook eggs for you, and play foosball with you, and watch *Baywatch* with you. You were just gonna forget me and phase me out like you did with Kip."  
  
Chandler frowned and started to speak, but Joey hushed him and hugged him close with relief. "I thought about how he'd be hugging you all the time, and laughing with you. It made me so upset and jealous. I couldn't take it, and I missed you so much. I thought about how stupid I was to move out, and I remembered all the fun we used to have. How I kissed you at New Year's, and I bought you that bracelet, but you didn't even wanna wear it. So I thought, maybe you don't care about me as much as I care about you. Maybe I like you too much for my own good. Then I had these dreams about you. About us hugging again, and kissing, and even you wearing just that hot pink thong from when that girl left you in the bathroom stall. I don't know why that turned me on, Chandler, but it did. I was embarrassed about it, of course, and didn't tell you or anybody, because that would just freak you out. Then, um, you said you wanna get rid of Eddie and you want me back, and that made me happy. I thought we could be roommates again, and maybe, if you said okay, we could have a threesome with some girl. But now--well if you, if you like me too... maybe it could be just us?"  
  
Chandler pondered that. "I don't know."  
  
Joey sighed and backed off. "Okay, I'm sorry. I don't wanna scare you. Maybe I should go back to the floor." He turned and started to crawl away, but Chandler sat up and reached out for him.  
  
"Wait."  
  
Joey stopped and turned back to him.  
  
Chandler blushed and said, "Um, maybe if you get rid of that mirror, and some other stuff, maybe we could... try something."  
  
Joey looked at him hopefully. "Yeah?"  
  
Chandler nodded. "I-I like you too."  
  
They smiled at each other and hugged tentatively, then Joey kissed him again. Chandler responded warmly, but said that he wasn't sure how far he could go tonight. It was all so sudden.  
  
Joey assured him that there was enough room on the bed for each of them to stay on separate sides tonight. "We can take this slow."  
  
Chandler relaxed and smiled. "Okay." 


	3. Loving Friendship

To ease Joey's mind, Chandler told him that Eddie had never actually played foosball with him, watched Baywatch, or hugged him.  
  
"Really?" Joey asked. "You're not just saying that?"  
  
"No," Chandler told him honestly. "Before he got so psycho about his ex-girlfriend and his fish, Eddie mostly just spent a lot of time in his room. He said he wasn't into 'sports' and that he doesn't like Baywatch because it's just a bunch of pretty people running around on the beach!"  
  
"Whoa! What kind of weirdo is he?" Joey asked.  
  
"I know!" Chandler nodded in agreement. "And that cackling way that he laughs is like a cross between Janice and the devil, especially with that goatee of his." Chandler grimaced. "God, I really wish I'd known more about Eddie before I let him move in with me."  
  
Joey pulled Chandler into his arms and pouted a little. "Me too."  
  
Chandler kissed his cheek and spoke with remorse, "It wasn't that I didn't care about you, Joey. I did, and it hurt so bad when you left. I mean, even when that guy offered you this apartment and showed you around the place, it made me feel that I was losing you already, 'cause all you two could talk about was his apartment and the soap. Then we had that fight, and you told me that you were really moving out, and we weren't Bert and Ernie... I thought you didn't care about me anymore. It's like, you got your big break on Days of Our Lives, and that's just the first step to leaving me behind. You'll keep hanging out with your actor friends, you know, and pretty soon you'll star in some movies, and move to Hollywood, and I'll never hear from you again."  
  
Joey was shocked. "What? I wouldn't ditch you like that, Chandler! You're my best friend, and you've always been there for me. I mean, I owe you everything--and I don't mean just money or my career. We're best buds."  
  
"But you still moved out," Chandler pointed out. "That's why I let Eddie move in so fast, 'cause Ross and Rachel said that you were happy here and you were never gonna come back. So I had to find a new roommate and move on too."  
  
"Ah, Chandler!" Joey kissed him reassuringly and realized how much they had both misunderstood each other during the past few weeks. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have moved out. I guess you never know what you've got until it's gone."  
  
Chandler nodded and sighed sadly. "I missed you so much. Some nights, I'd just stare out the window at the rain and think about you."  
  
"Me too." Joey caressed his cheek tenderly. "I kept wanting to call you, but I thought you'd be busy hanging out with Eddie. I'm glad I was wrong."  
  
"Nobody could replace you, Joey. Nobody."  
  
They kissed again and promised to appreciate each other more. Joey added that he was glad that they both wanted to take their friendship to the next level too. "We can get closer now." He ran his hand along Chandler's thigh and kissed his neck lingeringly.  
  
Chandler closed his eyes and moaned with pleasure and excitement. He never thought that he and Joey would end up like this. Yet after experiencing so much rejection from women lately, he found it a great relief to be wanted by anyone. Besides, Joey was more than just anyone. Chandler already had such deep feelings for him that it often prompted teasing jokes from their friends about how intimate they were, and Joey clearly reciprocated these feelings.  
  
It was kind of strange. Chandler had been afraid for years of turning into his gay dad, but somehow, acting on these new, passionate emotions didn't feel so inappropriate or scary, especially when contrasted with Eddie's truly disturbing behavior. Joey's embrace made him feel safe and loved, and he responded eagerly.  
  
But then, as Joey kept touching and exploring Chandler under the covers, he went a little too far, causing Chandler to pull away nervously.  
  
"J-Joe. Not yet. Not--not while the mirror's there," he said with a frown.  
  
Joey looked up. "Oh. Sorry." He took the hint and withdrew his wandering hands from Chandler's body. "Um, I'll get the guys who installed it to take it down tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
With a final kiss, they said good night again and retreated to separate sides of the bed.  
  
In the morning, Chandler woke up first and yawned, not quite knowing where he was yet. Then he caught a glimpse of himself and Joey in the mirror above them, and it all came back to him. Lying there in the huge bed, Chandler listened to the quiet rhythm of Joey's breathing and admired what he could see of Joey's uncovered chest. He remembered how much they had kissed and talked last night, discovering a new dimension to their relationship.  
  
Chandler ached to feel Joey's warm arms again, so he moved closer and woke Joey up with a loving kiss.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Joey smiled and kissed his cheek. "Hey. So did you sleep okay?"  
  
"Yeah. And you?"  
  
Joey nodded. "Yeah. Listen, I hope you don't mind, Chandler, but I had to take off my underwear again while you were asleep."  
  
"Oh, you did?" He was tempted to press even closer and feel Joey's naked groin as proof, but he decided against it, as he still wanted to take things slowly.  
  
"Yeah. I didn't wanna keep kicking around all night." Joey let go of Chandler and finally sat up. "Anyway, I'm gonna get dressed now, okay?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
So Joey got out of bed, and Chandler was indecisive about whether to look at him or not. Then he thought "What the hell?" and admired Joey's naked butt as he went to grab his robe and tie it on.  
  
"So, do you wanna use the shower first?" Joey asked.  
  
Chandler nodded, and got out of bed too. Joey picked up the bedding from the floor and headed for the living room, saying that he would make breakfast for them.  
  
Chandler was still bruised, but he walked to the bathroom more confidently now that it was daylight and he could avoid further injury.  
  
After they had both dressed, Chandler suggested over breakfast that they go kick out Eddie next.  
  
"Are you sure you don't wanna move in with me?" Joey asked. "I'll get rid of the mirror and the water-table, and then you'll learn to like this place, huh?"  
  
Chandler shrugged and avoided the topic, not wanting to get into another argument again. "But, Joe, I think we should still get rid of Eddie in case he becomes more unstable. I don't want him to start stalking me, or go after Monica and Rachel next door."  
  
"Oh, you're right. That makes sense."  
  
"Yeah, so let's go get rid of the maniac."  
  
"But when will you decide which apartment you wanna live in?" Joey pressed for a straight answer. "You said you were gonna sleep on it."  
  
"I know." Chandler looked at his feet and reluctantly confessed, "I'm sorry, Joe, but I still prefer our old apartment because it's close to our other friends in the Village."  
  
Joey pouted with disappointment. "You just don't want my furniture."  
  
Chandler touched his hand soothingly. "Well, I-I do like some of your stuff, Joe. Like your ping-pong table and your recliners and that TV. I suppose I could even live with you bringing your couch and dining set too."  
  
"What about all my art? You've got an ugly African mask on your wall, you know!"  
  
"Yeah, I do," Chandler admitted. He sighed and conceded, "Um, okay, you can bring some wall-mounted art, so I at least won't stumble into them at night."  
  
"Cool!" Joey hugged him close and kissed him happily. "Yeah, baby!"  
  
Chandler laughed and blushed. "Is that what you're calling me now? Baby?"  
  
Joey grinned and shrugged. He said flirtatiously, "Well, I don't know. Do you like it?"  
  
Chandler nodded and whispered shyly, "Yes."  
  
Joey kissed him again and murmured, "How you doin'?"  
  
After Joey and Chandler finally stopped making out that morning, they took the bus downtown to their old apartment to confront Eddie. When they opened the door and entered, it at first appeared that nobody was home, but then Eddie popped up and startled them.  
  
"Hey, roomie! Joey," Eddie greeted them cheerfully, apparently no longer angry at Chandler about his ex-girlfriend and his goldfish. "I wondered where you got to last night. Look, I made pecan sandies." He opened Chandler's cookie jar that was shaped like a clown's head, and he offered them the cookies inside.  
  
Joey started to reach for one, but Chandler quickly stopped him, suspecting that Eddie was tricking them and trying to poison them with the cookies. "Uh, no thanks, Eddie. We just had breakfast. See, I-I stayed over at Joey's place."  
  
Eddie put down the cookie jar and said, "Aw, man, you guys should have come over here and hung out with us!" He cackled maniacally and made them wonder who "us" was. Maybe Eddie had multiple personalities? "Well, you can meet our new goldfish now. Surprise!" He pointed to the fishtank proudly.  
  
They looked and saw a tiny goldfish cracker floating in the tank. Chandler turned to Eddie in disbelief, and said, "Well, that's--that's not even a real fish. That's a goldfish cracker."  
  
Eddie stared at him blankly. "What's your point, man?"  
  
Chandler backed away from Eddie apprehensively. "Uh, nothing. Nothing."  
  
Joey frowned and folded his arms, starting to realize just exactly how big of a nutcase Eddie was.  
  
Eddie just smiled at the cracker and said, "I named him Chandler, after you. Maybe we'll get another fishy and name him after Joey. Huh?" He cackled again.  
  
Chandler cringed in horror, and Joey decided to be direct. "Look, Eddie, we've got something to tell you. I'm moving back in, so you gotta move out of here, okay?"  
  
Eddie stopped grinning and looked shocked. "What?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry, but me and Chandler have made up and decided to live together again. So you gotta go. We'll give you some time to pack and find a new place--"  
  
"Whoa, wait a minute!" Eddie got mad and advanced on them. "This isn't fair. Where are me and my goldfish gonna go, huh?"  
  
Chandler cowered behind Joey and hissed warningly, "Don't anger him! Don't anger him!"  
  
Joey remained firm, though. "I know it's sudden, Eddie, but you'll find someplace else. In fact, I won't be needing my apartment uptown, so you can have it. The rent's kinda steep, though, so you may want to find a roommate--"  
  
Eddie interrupted and poked his chest scornfully. "No, no! You stay out of this, pal! And you, Chandler! I made cookies and named the fishy after you, and this is how you act? If you want me out of here, then at least tell me yourself. Tell me to my face!"  
  
So Chandler gathered up his courage. "Okay. I-I want you to move out, Eddie."  
  
"No no no, I wanna hear it from your lips."  
  
Chandler stared at Eddie uncomprehendingly. "Where did you hear it from before?!"  
  
"All right, all right, you know what, pallie, I understand! Consider me gone. You know what I'll do? I'll go move into my brother's basement, and when he finds out, I'll go someplace else." Eddie stormed toward his bedroom furiously. "You know what, I'll be out by the time you get home from work tomorrow." He slammed the door after him.  
  
Chandler sighed with relief and hugged Joey for helping him get through this.  
  
"See? That wasn't too hard." Then Joey took out a tape measure from his pocket. "Now help me take some measurements and figure out where I can put my new stuff when I move back in."  
  
"Okay. I guess since you're bringing the big TV back, this one can go in my bedroom."  
  
"Yeah, and then we'll get rid of your old sofa and bring my nice leather one."  
  
So they measured the room and discussed their options, already looking forward to living together again.  
  
[Eddie's line about his brother's basement is included in the uncut version of TOW Eddie Won't Go.] 


	4. Trying To Move

After Chandler changed his clothes and left for work that morning, Joey checked in on Monica and Rachel next door, and the girls had just finished breakfast with Richard and Ross, who had clearly had spent the night at the apartment.  
  
They all asked Joey whether he was feeling better about getting fired, and he said with a smile, "Definitely!" Then he told them excitedly that he was going to move back in with Chandler as soon as Eddie packed and moved out.  
  
"Oh, that's so great! We missed you."  
  
"Yeah, we'd love to have you back here, Joey."  
  
He hugged them all and watched them leave for work too, then he returned to his uptown apartment, since he no longer had a job of his own. Like Chandler wanted him to, Joey had the mirror taken down from his bedroom ceiling and also returned some of his various sculptures to the stores. Along the way, he bought a "jaunty" cap from a street vendor, to cheer himself up about his unemployment and his loss of furniture.  
  
Then he went to see his agent Estelle about getting some work. She wasn't mad at Joey for getting fired from Days of Our Lives, but she offered him a measly audition for the role of a cab driver, which seemed like such a step down from being Dr. Drake Ramoray. Joey had too much pride to accept that, so he left and went home to pack.  
  
That evening, Chandler came home to Joey's apartment, preferring to stay there until Eddie moved out of the other apartment. He greeted Joey with a warm kiss and a laugh. "Hey, honey! I'm home."  
  
"Hey, Chandler." Joey smiled and pulled him into the now spacious, uncluttered living room. "So I got rid of some of the stuff you didn't like."  
  
"Oh, good! Yeah, that looks much better. Did you remember to get rid of the mirror on the ceiling too?"  
  
"Yeah, I did. So you wanna go see?" He put his arm around Chandler flirtatiously.  
  
"Sure."  
  
So they went into Joey's room and playfully made out on the bed together, until Chandler stopped them after a while and suggested that they order some dinner.  
  
"Okay. I'll call the pizza place and get us a Joey special."  
  
"Good." Chandler changed out of his suit and borrowed some of Joey's casual clothes for now. "So, did Estelle get you any new auditions yet?"  
  
Joey pouted and told him about the two-line cab driver part. "Can you believe that? I was Dr. Drake Ramoray!"  
  
"Oh, that's too bad, Joe," Chandler kissed him supportively. "Well, you'll probably get another big break soon." Even if Joey didn't and stayed unemployed for a while, Chandler felt happy and generous enough to support Joey indefinitely. He just wanted Eddie to be gone, and Joey to be back for good.  
  
While they fooled around in bed that night, Chandler found the satin sheets to be rather slippery, and he laughed, mentioning to Joey that his taste in furniture and art was similar to Janice's fashion sense.  
  
"What?" Joey was shocked and stopped kissing him.  
  
Chandler shrugged and gestured to all the decorations in the bedroom. "You know, she wore a lot of leopard print and bright colors like this stuff. And this furry pillow here reminds me of one of her coats."  
  
"Whoa!" Joey sat back with wide eyes and felt quite disturbed by that fact.  
  
Chandler kissed him reassuringly. "What? I didn't mean anything by that, Joe. You just have a quirk that reminds me a little of Janice, that's all. I mean, Eddie laughs a little bit like her, but he's crazy, and I definitely don't wanna start sleeping with him!"  
  
Joey kissed Chandler again, but he spoke pensively, "Well, maybe... maybe I should get rid of more of my stuff." He decided that animal prints and velvet didn't appeal to him anymore.  
  
"Okay." Chandler was pleased that Joey was open to redecorating. Maybe by the time that he moved back in with Chandler, this sexed-up bedroom would be a lot tamer.  
  
They kissed some more and playfully explored each other under the covers. The bruises on Chandler's legs and feet were still sensitive to touch while they healed, so Joey gently kissed them. "Hey, when did you lose this part of your pinky toe?" he asked curiously.  
  
Chandler grimaced and explained about a long ago Thanksgiving when Monica had accidentally sliced off his toe. "I was Sir Limps-a-Lot for a year, and I almost stopped being friends with Ross after that."  
  
"Aw!" Joey kissed him comfortingly, then tickled his toes teasingly.  
  
"Hey!" Chandler yanked his feet back and tackled Joey in return.  
  
So they mercilessly tickled each other, laughing and rolling around together until they were breathless. Then they stopped, met each other's eyes, and got very quiet and serious. Joey slid his hand inside Chandler's shirt and caressed his third nipple again. Chandler moaned and slipped his tongue into Joey's mouth.  
  
In the morning, when they woke up in bed together, they were naked and lying close together. Chandler was much less timid now, and when Joey suggested that they take a shower together, he eagerly agreed. So they washed and rinsed each other more times than was necessary, then Chandler hurried to get dressed for work.  
  
Joey kissed him goodbye, and said that he could hardly wait for Eddie to be gone this afternoon, because then he could start moving back home.  
  
Joey carefully went through his furniture that day, eliminating anything that seemed too Janice-like from his apartment and also packing up items that he intended to keep and take with him back to Chandler's place.  
  
Ross came over to visit Joey for lunch, and he complained about the women all reading some female empowerment book called Be Your Own Windkeeper. Then he asked, "Hey, did you get any new auditions yet?"  
  
"Nah." Joey told him about the cab driver part, but Ross said that he should probably go to the audition.  
  
"I mean it took you what, 10 years to get that job. Who knows how long it's gonna be till you get another one just as good?"  
  
Joey didn't like Ross's advice, and he got mad, kicking him out for not being supportive enough.  
  
"Fine!" Ross left and went back to the museum.  
  
Later, when Chandler came back from work, he called out again, "Hey, honey, I'm home!"  
  
"Hey!" Joey kissed him and smiled.  
  
"I brought up your mail from downstairs. You should probably tell the post office to start redirecting your mail back to our old apartment."  
  
"Oh yeah," Joey nodded and sat down as he began looking through his mail. "Oh-oh."  
  
"What?" Chandler asked.  
  
Joey showed him his Visa bill. "Envelope one of two."  
  
When they opened and read through the credit card bill together, they were shocked by how much money Joey had spent.  
  
"Oh my God!" Chandler gasped in horror at all the charges listed. "That's how much all your sculptures and stuff cost? How could so much crap cost so much?"  
  
Joey pouted. "The guy at the store said they suited me. He spoke with an accent, and I was all confused. Hey, wait, I returned some of this stuff! It shouldn't be that much!"  
  
"Well they probably mailed you this bill before you returned the stuff yesterday. Maybe we can call the credit card company and see if they have an updated bill yet."  
  
"Okay." Joey waited as Chandler grabbed the phone and dialed. "Oh, I was gonna return some more stuff today too. All that stuff over there." He pointed to the separated cluster of Janice-like items.  
  
"Oh, good, good." Chandler was relieved that Joey had done more trimming of the excess. "Um, do you still have the receipts for that stuff, so we can know where it all came from, and subtract it from your bill too?"  
  
Joey went to look for his receipts while Chandler spoke to the credit card company. After much deliberation and calculations, they and the customer service rep figured out that Joey still owed a huge amount even without the items that he'd returned or intended to return. "Um, okay. Thanks." Chandler hung up finally and groaned, feeling a headache coming on.  
  
Joey felt bad and apologized. "I'm sorry, Chandler. I didn't know that I spent so much, and I-I still had my Drake Ramoray gig back then, you know, and I thought it was gonna last a long time. I'm sorry." He hugged Chandler and begged for his forgiveness.  
  
Chandler sighed and tried to be understanding. "I know, Joe. I guess it's a little bit my fault, too, for always paying your bills and sheltering you from how much stuff costs."  
  
"Oh, man! If only I hadn't given that stupid interview and got fired! I'm so stupid!"  
  
Chandler said, "To be honest, unless you were making about a million dollars an episode, I don't think it would have helped much. Damn, and besides this bill, there's the rent on this apartment too."  
  
"I'm sorry! I never should have moved out. Never, never!"  
  
Chandler kissed him and said that they needed to return a lot more stuff to the stores, maybe even everything. "We might need to sublet this apartment too. How long of a lease did you sign?"  
  
Joey shrugged. "I don't know. I think I'm still just covering what's left of the last guy's lease, now that he moved to that other place."  
  
"Oh, okay. Then I think we can transfer it over to somebody else without too much trouble. Um, do you know any other rich actors who might want this apartment?"  
  
Joey shook his head, but then he got an idea. "Hey, maybe Rachel's mom might want this place, since she's getting divorced from Rachel's dad and all. Doesn't she want to live in the city, like Rachel?"  
  
"Oh, yeah! And she could probably afford this place, depending on how much she gets from Dr. Green in the divorce settlement. Even if it's not half, they're filthy rich anyway. Yeah, we should go ask Rachel, and hope that Mrs. Green can move in quick."  
  
So they went to go see their friends back in Greenwich Village, and after convincing Rachel that her mother wouldn't be too close, nor annoyingly drop by all the time, they got her to agree to recommend the place to her mother.  
  
Then Joey and Chandler went across the hall to see if Eddie had moved out yet, but to their shock, they discovered that Eddie was still hanging out and dehydrating fruit with a machine.  
  
"Eddie, what are you still doing here?" Joey asked.  
  
"Yeah, aren't you forgetting something?" Chandler asked, wondering why none of Eddie's stuff was even packed to move out.  
  
"Oh, look, look! I got us a new goldfish." Eddie pointed to the fish tank at a real goldfish swimming in the water. "He's a lot feistier than the last one."  
  
"Maybe because the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm!" Chandler snapped.  
  
Eddie kept grinning and talked excitedly about his fruit drying machine.  
  
Chandler interrupted. "I thought we had a deal, Eddie. I thought by the time I came home today, you..."  
  
Eddie laughed maniacally and held up a tiny, dried up fruit. "You know what that is?"  
  
"Your last roommate's kidney?"  
  
"That's a tomato. This one definitely goes in the display." Eddie cackled again and took his tiny tomato to his freaky display shelf in his room.  
  
Joey turned to Chandler and couldn't understand what was going on. "What the hell? Did he not find a new place to move to? Wasn't he going to his brother's basement?"  
  
"I think he doesn't even know that he's supposed to move out. Like when he was furious at me about his ex-girlfriend Tilly and his goldfish Buddy, but then he forgot all about it."  
  
Eddie suddenly returned to the living room and came up behind Joey, making him jump.  
  
"Ahhh!"  
  
Eddie spoke enthusiastically, "Hey man, check it out! I got some great stuff to dehydrate here. I got some grapes, some apricots, and I thought it would be really cool to see what happens with these water balloons."  
  
"All right, that's enough!" Joey confronted him sternly. "Eddie, listen, you gotta get out of here."  
  
"What?" Eddie put down his box of fruit and balloons.  
  
"You gotta move out. I'm moving back in and you gotta move out, okay? I don't care where you go, but just go."  
  
"Hey, buddy!" Eddie got mad. "This is none of your business, okay? Chandler's my roommate, not you, and you can't kick me out. Right, pal?" He put his arm around Chandler, who was visibly freaked out.  
  
Clearly Eddie had no recollection of Chandler asking him to leave the other day, so Chandler quickly pulled away from him and repeated that he wanted Eddie to move out.  
  
Eddie felt shocked and betrayed, remarking that this was kind of out of the blue.  
  
"It's not out of the blue. It's smack dab in the middle of the blue!"  
  
"All right, all right!" Eddie backed off and agreed to go. "Fine. Someone will be back for my stuff." He then left the apartment, but Joey and Chandler had hardly sighed with relief when Eddie came back in. "But if you think for one second I'm leaving you alone with my fish, you're insane, Jack!"  
  
Joey offered to help him with the tank, but Eddie responded, "No help required, Chico!" and reached into the water to grab the fish and stuff it into his pocket. Then he stormed out again.  
  
"Whoa! That guy's nuts."  
  
"Yeah. What do you say, we help him get a head start on packing?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
So together they started to pack up a lot of Eddie's stuff in boxes. They only did the stuff in the living room before they were tired out and decided to leave the rest to whomever Eddie sent back for his belongings.  
  
Then Joey and Chandler went uptown again to have another romantic night at Casa de Joey. They would have to return most of the furniture and sculptures to the store tomorrow, and they hoped that by tomorrow night, Eddie would be gone. At least, they hoped so. 


	5. Together At Last

The next day, Joey reluctantly went to the audition for the cab driver, but didn't get the part. Chandler took a day off work and returned most of Joey's furniture and sculptures to the various stores. He managed to save the big TV and the leather recliners from repossession, then he went to make sure that Eddie was moved out with his stuff.  
  
"Ding dong, the psycho's gone!" Chandler told the others, but he had spoken too soon.  
  
Apparently Eddie forgot all about moving out, and he came back with a stolen mannequin head. He even claimed that he and Chandler had gone a road trip to Vegas yesterday, and that Chandler had bought him new shoes.  
  
Joey and Chandler were getting frustrated and impatient with Eddie, and they tried to figure out how to permanently get rid of him. Joey wanted to kick him out and change the locks, but Chandler said that Eddie knew how to pick locks. They realized that something more effective was necessary, and Joey suggested sending his tough sister Cookie after Eddie.  
  
"Cookie?"  
  
"You know. She's the one who shot her husband."  
  
"Oh!" Chandler was taken aback, but he warned Joey that violence was probably not a good idea, so they talked over other options.  
  
When Eddie came home one day, he found all his belongings in the street outside the building, and the locks on the apartment door had been changed too. He pounded on the door and angrily asked Chandler what was going on, but Joey and Chandler pretended to have never met Eddie and not know what he was talking about. Joey even said that he'd never moved out at all.  
  
Their trick worked, and Eddie apologized and left, thoroughly confused.  
  
Joey and Chandler hugged and celebrated by jumping up and down joyously.  
  
Then Joey said with a kiss, "And if he forgets today and comes back again, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to punch him out or something."  
  
Chandler smiled. "Okay. But let's do some more celebrating while he's gone." He took Joey's hand and led the way back to his bedroom.  
  
They were excited and to be at home together at last, and Eddie never came back. Joey was a bit sad to lose most of his furniture and art from the other apartment, Chandler cheered him up with kisses and promised that when they had money to spare later, they would buy some new things that Joey wanted.  
  
"You mean it?"  
  
"Yeah. You're right. My sofa bed's getting old, and it was cool having that ping-pong table at your apartment."  
  
"Cool! Thanks Chandler."  
  
Meanwhile, their other friends noticed how affectionate the guys were since their reunion, but did not suspect that they were lovers now. Joey and Chandler were always unusually close, and had acted brokenhearted during their recent time apart.  
  
Sandra Green also moved into Joey's uptown apartment and was happy to get away her former Long Island home with Rachel's father. There were too many bitter memories there for her to gloat about taking the mansion away from him. But she knew enough not to intrude too much on Rachel's life with her friends; generally Mrs. Green hung out with rich divorced friends who were her age, and she spoiled her youngest daughter (who was due to graduate college soon) with shopping sprees at all the finest stores in Manhattan.  
  
Joey and Chandler dated in secret, but then they made the mistake of hanging out with Richard too much. Chandler even grew a mustache while Joey took up cigars, though he didn't smoke them. Monica became jealous of the guys monopolizing her boyfriend's time, and she complained.  
  
They apologized, but Joey let it slip that he and Chandler thought of Richard as a cool father figure.  
  
Richard was crestfallen, and Chandler's attempt to save the situation was lame and unconvincing.  
  
"No no, seriously! Joey's my dad, Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work."  
  
"That's fine," Richard said. "Well, your other dad and I are gonna go have a romantic evening, and I guess I'll just see you kids around."  
  
"Nighty-night," Monica gloated as they left.  
  
Chandler complained childishly, "I can't believe you got us into trouble," and slapped Joey's arm irritably.  
  
Joey slapped him back, Chandler slapped again, then Joey slapped twice before running into his room. Chandler chased him inside and shut the door.   
  
They had a juvenile slapping fight until they tumbled onto Joey's bed together.  
  
Chandler landed on top. "How could you tell him that we think of him as a dad?"  
  
"Hey, how was I supposed to know it was a secret?"  
  
"Couldn't you tell when I kicked you?"  
  
Joey wrestled his way on top and grumbled about his bruises. "That hurt! You couldn't tell me nicely, huh? Like this?" He pinched Chandler's butt and startled him.  
  
"Hey!" Chandler fought back, and tried to protest that pinching each other was hardly something they could do in front of Monica and Richard.  
  
Joey was getting turned on though, and he interrupted Chandler with a deep kiss. Chandler stopped resisting, and they sank against the bed.  
  
As they embraced, Chandler sighed and murmured fondly, "I can't stay mad at you, Joe."  
  
Joey grinned. "Will you kiss my bruises now, like I did for you?"  
  
"What? Come on, I didn't kick you that hard."  
  
"Please! Come on, do it for your big daddy."  
  
"What?" Chandler's eyes opened wide.  
  
Joey explained, "You told Richard that I was your dad."  
  
"I also said Monica was my dad, and I'm not sleeping with her!"  
  
Joey shrugged. "I know, but I was thinking we could try out a new nickname, you know? Instead of calling me 'honey' and stuff, call me 'big daddy.'"  
  
Chandler laughed and shook his head. "No, I don't think so."  
  
"How about, 'Dragon'?"  
  
"No!" He laughed harder, and wondered how Joey could suggest such ridiculous names with a serious face.  
  
Joey pouted. "You're no fun."  
  
"Oh, yeah?" Chandler wrestled with him again, and pinched Joey's butt in return.  
  
They started kissing and undressing each other in a playful way. While they made out, Joey paused and suggested that Chandler shave off his moustache.  
  
Chandler asked, "Why? If you give me time, I can grow one just as cool as Richard's."  
  
"Yeah, but do I wanna be kissing you, or Richard? Anyway, it reminds me of that time you had a goatee when I first moved in, and that reminds me of Eddie's goatee..."  
  
"Oh! Say no more. I'm shaving this thing off."  
  
"I'll help you. But first, you gotta kiss my bruises!"  
  
Chandler gave in, and he paid special attention to kissing and massaging Joey's sensitive feet and toes.  
  
Then they made love. That was the first night that Joey and Chandler went all the way sexually. They'd been naked together and done other stuff before, but until now, it had only been some fooling around in bed followed by literal sleeping together. This time, Chandler was completely relaxed and caught up in the passion, so they didn't stop prematurely.  
  
They tasted and touched each other all over, and Joey even offered Chandler a blowjob, though he was inexperienced at giving one. Still, he tried, and then they wound up rubbing and groping each other until they came that night.  
  
As they recovered, Joey kissed him tenderly, and Chandler suggested that they tell their friends about them tomorrow, instead of sneaking around so much.  
  
"Really, you ready for that?" They'd only been more than friends for the last couple of weeks, and Chandler was such a commitment-phobe with women.  
  
"Yeah," Chandler nodded sincerely. "I'm ready."  
  
Joey smiled and kissed him, saying for the first time, "I love you."  
  
Chandler was deeply touched. "I love you, Joe." They made love again, getting a little better with practice.  
  
The next day, after Chandler had shaved his mustache, but before Joey and Chandler had yet decided exactly how to break the news to their friends, Chandler and Ross had an unpleasant encounter with two bullies in Central Perk.  
  
Ross and Chandler went upstairs to Monica's apartment to relate their harassment to their friends.  
  
Chandler said, "The mean guys at the coffeehouse took my hat."  
  
Everyone was shocked, and Joey asked in disbelief, "You're kidding?"  
  
But they weren't, and Ross added, "It was ridiculous. You know, these guys, they were bullies, actual bullies, you know. We're grown ups; this kinda stuff isn't supposed to happen anymore.  
  
"Ohhh," Rachel spoke sympathetically and went over to hug Ross.  
  
Chandler saw them and envied the fact that these two were acknowledged as a couple, but he and Joey weren't yet. So he turned to Joey and held out his arms for a hug.  
  
Joey looked at him as if to ask, "Now?" and Chandler shrugged as if to reply, "Now's as good a time as any."  
  
So Joey hugged him close, and Chandler kissed him, right in front of everybody.  
  
The others gasped and asked what was going on.  
  
Chandler put his head against Joey's shoulder, and Joey explained, "Well, we're, uh, we're going out now."  
  
"What?" Monica asked.  
  
Rachel said, "No! Seriously?"  
  
Ross protested, "Joey, you're not gay!"  
  
Chandler noticed that no one protested that he wasn't gay, and he rolled his eyes.  
  
Joey replied, "Well, things changed after I moved out, Ross. I thought about Chandler all the time and I wanted him. And now we're in love, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, you and Rachel aren't the only ones," Chandler said.  
  
"Whoa!"  
  
"Wow."  
  
Ross was speechless and stunned, trying to process the idea that Joey could be gay. Rachel asked for gossip about when they started kissing and doing it, but Joey dismissed these questions with embarrassment.  
  
He cleared his throat and suggested that he and Chandler go back to the coffeehouse and try to get his hat back.  
  
Chandler said, "Nah, forget it. Just buy me a new hat... and do other stuff to cheer me up."  
  
Joey grinned and followed Chandler back to their apartment.  
  
The others watched them go and realized how obviously in love they were. They had to tell Phoebe the news later, because she went off to try meeting her father, but instead discovered that she had a half-brother named Frank Jr. She was happy for Joey and Chandler, but not particularly shocked. "I saw it in their auras lately."  
  
Ross and Chandler eventually stood up to the bullies while Joey attended his niece's christening and wondered whether he should come out to his family as well, but he decided that it was too soon.  
  
Meanwhile, Monica got a new job at a 1950s diner and broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have babies. Phoebe had a brief reunion with her Navy submarine guy, Ryan, and that put her in the mood to try contacting her other old flame, David the physicist.  
  
Chandler loaned his computer to her and showed her how to look him up and send him an email. So they chatted online and wrote each other email love letters. Phoebe decided to find some way to get a passport and visit him. (Hers had been revoked during that time that she lived in Prague and caused an incident.) So she schemed to steal Ursula's passport and everyone helped her get a plane ticket to Minsk.  
  
Phoebe and David had a wonderful, passionate reunion, and he considered quitting his research and coming back to America. Phoebe wasn't sure if she could ask him to do that, and she considered whether or not she could stand to move to Minsk, so far away from her friends, and the new family she'd discovered. The matter remained unresolved for a while, until David lost one of his toes to frostbite, and he decided that this pain, and his heartache, was not worth it. So he found a physics teaching position at NYU and moved back to New York. Phoebe was very happy, and wrote him a love song.  
  
Monica tried to get over Richard and focus on her career for a while. Then she eventually met a wacky software millionaire named Pete, who even bought her a restaurant.  
  
Joey got a part in a Warren Beatty movie, kissing a guy, and Chandler was jealous for a while, but got over it when Joey insisted that it was just acting, and he was committed to Chandler. He moved into Chandler's bedroom and they made the other room into a game room. Chandler kept his promise to let Joey do some decorating in the apartment.  
  
The Warren Beatty movie actually served as Joey's big break, and he soon began getting other, better roles. A year later, the movie premiere also helped them come out to Joey's parents. They remarked that they'd been doing some kissing off-screen, and they were a couple now. The Tribbianis were shocked by this announcement, but they couldn't accuse Joey of behaving immorally without looking like hypocrites: Joseph Sr. still had his mistress Ronni, and Gloria still knew and wanted the affair to continue.  
  
Then Chandler told his parents as well, and ended his estrangement from his father in Vegas. Joey's family eventually came around, and were there when Joey and Chandler got married. Eventually, Joey made enough money that Chandler could quit his horrible job and start a new career. They also got a pet chick and duck, and all of them lived happily ever after.  
  
The End  
  
[I know I rushed the ending, but I didn't want this to turn into another big unfinished story. Just assume that Pete never did that Ultimate Fighting Champion thing, and he and Monica had babies together. Assume that Chandler's jealousy about the Warren Beatty movie got resolved like the incident with Monica and the male nurse in TOW The Triplets, rather than like the disaster with Kathy and her co-star Nick in TOW Rachel's Crush.  
  
You can also assume that Ross never slept with Chloe because of a chain reaction: Joey and Chandler were together and not drooling over the copy girl Chloe, Phoebe was with David and not dating that UN diplomat Sergei, and Monica therefore didn't date Sergei's translator, so she was available that night to talk some sense into both Rachel and Ross about the breakup. But if you don't like Ross and Rachel as a couple, picture them breaking up and having some happy ending with other people.  
  
In the uncut version of TOW Old Yeller Dies, after Chandler slaps Joey's arm, Joey slaps him back, Chandler slaps again, then Joey slaps twice before running into his room. Chandler chases him and they shut the door behind them. So, no, I didn't entirely make that up. Oh, and Joey tries out the nickname "Dragon" in TOW The Girl from Poughkeepsie, and "Big Daddy" in season 7, during TOW All The Cheesecakes.] 


End file.
